More like modern pajama male child human being-child. This New York Times article is so remarkably stupid that information technology has already been mocked beyond the entire internet.  However, equally a manly homo of manliness, it is my responsibility to accost this slice of fuckwittery. The same way that as a professional working writer I am compelled to respond to stupid writing advice that might otherwise spiral up aspiring authors, I take to Fisk this.

See, I accept two sons. Equally a father, information technology is my duty to point out really stupid shit, and then they can avert becoming goony hipster douche balloons. And then boys, this Fisk was written for you.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/02/fashion/mens-style/27-wayshoped-for-a-modern-human.html

As usual, the original is italics and my comments are in bold.

SELF-Aid

Fifty-fifty the header is incorrect. This article is the opposite of self-help. This is like the instruction guide for how to live life as a sex-complimentary eunuch.

27 Ways to Exist a Mod Man

Alternate Championship: Does the Touch of a Adult female Confuse and Frighten You? 27 Ways to Avoid Girl Cooties.

Past BRIAN LOMBARDI
Who took fourth dimension off from his busy schedule at the nail salon to write this.
SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

Being a modern homo today is no different than it was a century ago. It's all about adhering to principle. Sure, style, technology and architecture change over fourth dimension, every bit do standards of etiquette, not to mention means of conveying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern human will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.

My sons, as you get through life yous will learn that libprog rags like the NYT, Slate, and HuffPo normally start their bullshit manufactures with a paragraph that sounds all sorts of reasonable. Beware. It is a trick.

What follows is i dude's bizarrely specific pronouncements, which range from preachy only passable, to full turnip. Now, if this jackass had just lived his life according to his own code, real men wouldn't requite a shit, but of course not… This is the New York Times, bastion of bullshit, which will non exist content unless it is telling you how you lot're living your life wrong.

  1. When the modern human being buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn't accept to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Who the hell buys shoes for their wife? Equally yous grow older you will learn that many women like to shop for vesture and shoes. No. I don't empathise it either. Merely every bit a manly man, your duty is to work and provide coin to your woman, so that she may go and exercise this sort of affair if she wants.

 As for knowing sizes, no. As children, your mother buys dress for you. Right now your requests for her seem to exist "Become a shirt with Deadpool on it" and that is good. But as men large of stature y'all will eventually purchase your own clothing from the Actress Big Casual Male Outlet or the Cabella's Catalog.

For you who are descended from giants, you know man sizes starts at 2XL (or 3X if y'all need to comport your pistol curtained under an untucked shirt) and shoes sizes begin at 15, but unlike the wimpy New York Times reporter, manly men empathize that all men are different, and we do non judge them, even if they shop in the children's section.

Equally for knowing your woman's sizes, no. Your mother owns like 40 pairs of running shoes. She doesn't even know which brands run big or small, and she has a uterus.

  1. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

This sounds like proficient advice, boys, but information technology is trickery.  A real human assesses his state of affairs and does what is all-time. A real man must know when to enquire for help. Y'all take had the opportunity to grow upwards around warriors, and some of them have experienced terrible things. Even these great men demand assistance at times. Hiding depression leads to things like suck starting your 12 gauge.

  1. The modern man is considerate. At the cinema, he won't munch downward a mouthful of popcorn during a tranquillity moment. He waits for some ruckus.

Or you lot could simply close your stupid face hole as you lot chew your food, you slack jawed idiot.

And past "ruckus" I'yard guessing he wasn't watching something like The Expendables, simply rather he'south talking about the vocal and dance numbers on Mama Mia.

  1. The modern man doesn't cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes downwards the hatch.

A real man lets other men eat what they want and isn't a self-righteous prick about it.

But this talk of steak is just more than trickery, sons. This is a Pajama Boy trying likewise difficult to sound like a man, because steak is considered a manly food. Note that he spells filet wrong. That slice of meat isn't fatty, and what kind of doofus burns a good piece of meat?

  1. The mod man won't blow x minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable ane and puts his car between the lines.

Again, a existent homo doesn't care what other men practise equally long as it doesn't infringe upon him.

In real life, park wherever you experience like. Y'all will either spend fourth dimension looking for a close space, or you will spend fourth dimension walking from a far ane. That is your conclusion to brand.

  1. Before the modern human heads off to bed, he makes certain his spouse's phone and his kids' electronic devices are charging for the dark.

No. That is their problem. If you fail to plug your crap in, and yous run out of power tomorrow, then you'll acquire. If your father comes and bails you out every time you make a stupid little mistake, then you lot volition never become answerable for your actions, then you will grow up and brand foolish choices, like becoming a New York Times reporter.

  1. The modern man buys just regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If y'all walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he'll show y'all the door.

Expect, boys, nobody likes a snobby asshole. I similar Coke the best, merely since I'm not a pretentious dickweed, I don't presume to speak for other men. The thing about "taste" is that it is subjective, so can't be wrong.

Besides, practise yous know what manner of human drinks Mount Dew? Coal miners and Boyd Crowder. Men like your uncle Jack, who can bench press like 400 pounds because he pulls industrial electrical cables at structure sites all day, drink Mountain Dew. Do you truly believe that this effeminate, limp wristed, debutante could "bear witness them the door"?

Also, Dr Pepper isn't even a cola, idiot.

  1. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For instance, he'll say "helicopter," non "chopper" like some gauche simpleton.

However "Become TO THE CHOPPA!" will always remain a chiliad times libation than anything this Pajama Boy ever says.

I am a bestselling novelist. Words are my profession. So I really detest the Word Police. Beware anyone who tells you what words yous tin, and can't utilise. They merely want to control you. That said, when you encounter somebody using the word "gauche" they'll commonly prove to be a pretentious dipshit.

  1. Having a daughter makes the modernistic homo more of a consummate person. He learns new stuff every day.

I have daughters likewise. I actually hold with this one.

Don't worry. I'm sure he'll fuck it upwardly somehow.

  1. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have stale completely earlier putting them away.

Can't the "modernistic human being" afford a dishwasher?

Boys, as you are aware every family will have a division of labor known every bit chores. Yous will have your assignment and fulfill it to the all-time of your ability. Doing a half ass job is unacceptable. This Pajama Boy is bragging virtually merely not doing a half ass job. Information technology is sad that he is and so proud of this minor achievement that he felt the need to put it on this listing.

  1. The modern man has never "pinned" a tweet, and he never will.

I practise non know what these words hateful.

Still, because each generation is more technologically savvy than the one that came before, I'm not going to assume to tell anyone else what they can and can't do. That is naïve. That would be like your grandfather telling me not to "internets" or his begetter telling him that color Goggle box is a fad.

  1. The mod man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Also small, it gets swapped out.

And Real Men have more important things to do than worry most how another homo bathes himself.

I don't care if y'all take all the little bits of lather and smoosh them together into a brawl of mutant lather. I don't even know what brand lather we have, because your female parent buys information technology. The only time a real man cares well-nigh the bathing habits of another man, is if he smells bad, because then his stink is now intruding on your turf. Then y'all will inform him to get his shit together.

Also, I'yard betting this New York Times reporter smells of lilacs… and shame.

  1. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

Who is she?

Okay, seriously, yes, I do know who Wu-Tang Association is, merely only considering of the Dave Chappelle Show.

Here's the thing. In grown upwards life, nobody gives a flying fuck what y'all listen to, and merely pretentious cock nozzles feel the need to judge others based upon their tastes. He could accept changed that to Frank Sinatra, Pearl Jam, or Garth Brooks, and information technology would be just as pointless. Beingness a fan of something doesn't make you inherently better than someone else. That's hipster nonsense.

  1. The modernistic human still jots down his grocery listing on a slice of scratch paper. The market place is no identify for his face to be cached in the phone.

Who cares?

No, actually. Yous write it on a slice of newspaper, put it on your phone, scribble it on your hand with Sharpie, wing by the seat of your pants buying whatever you feel like, or your married woman does the shopping… NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.

You lot sensing a tendency yet, boys?

This guy is a symptom of a much bigger problem. People like to brand themselves feel more important by telling other people that they are having Wrongfun. Judging others makes them feel special.

  1. The mod homo has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

Most existent men accept whatever floor their wife wanted when they built their business firm, because we don't care, because nosotros're working all mean solar day and then don't become to stand on it much. Or they have whatever floor came with the business firm when they moved in, and eventually when they tin beget to they'll put in whatever flooring their wife wants, because they don't care. Some men do care, and they tin put in whatever floor they feel like. Expert for them.

All of those men recollect this reporter is a douche.

I don't even know what a Kenneth Cole is. I'chiliad not sure what an oxford is, simply from the context I believe it is a type of shoe. Every bit a man who usually wears size xv Danner boots, this is my Non Impressed Face.

  1. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

This i sounds adept, but as we go downward the list you'll encounter the reporter is completely full of shit once again. His power to fight off an intruder is equally questionable as his understanding of manhood.

Plus, kids, your mom isn't going to "get away" she'southward going to go for her gun likewise.

  1. Does the modernistic man take a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

I'g picturing an Army Special Forces A-Team, somewhere in Transitional islamic state of afghanistan right at present, questioning their manhood because of their complete lack of melon ballers.

My sons, when you grow upward, if you want to uniformly shape cantaloupes, I will not judge you, merely I volition profoundly wonder where I went wrong.

  1. The modernistic man has thought seriously about ownership a shoehorn.

Hell, I'm surprised this fucker didn't say what brand of shoehorn was mandatory!

  1. The modern man buys fresh flowers more than to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

Boys, this is actually good advice. And then I call back we're at 2 for 19. But since you both understand sports, you tin come across that he's not doing well.

  1. On occasion, the modern human is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and concrete shield.

See? That's the kind of bullshit that you just never demand to know nigh another dude! This is just as bad as pontificating on what somebody else does in the shower.

But hang on. Isn't this the same inconsistent twit who wrote #2?

Fuck it. Real talk time, boys. Women don't respect pansies. Those who say they do are lying, and once they ally their sensitive little Pajama Boy, they will dream about actual manly men, who take care of business rather than fretting about melon ballers.

  1. The modern human doesn't scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, fifty-fifty if the pieces fly everywhere.

That is so insanely specific… What is this, Leviticus? But if thy girl doth sneeze while eating a maple bar, though shall beat her with a rod!

  1. The mod man nevertheless ambles half-naked downward his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

My kids were all like, what's a paper?

That's only wishful thinking on the New York Times role there.

Apparently, modern men can't read graphs either. It is even worse, because after the date this cut off the fall has accelerated.
Apparently, modernistic men tin can't read graphs either.

And side by side, half-naked? Which one-half? Are the neighbors going "Damn it, in that location'southward that Lombardi asshole without his pants once again!"

  1. The modernistic man has all of Michael Mann'southward films on Blu-ray (or any the highest quality thing is at the time).

I call bullshit on this i. This is a Pajama Boy trying too hard. The only thing he has on Blu-Ray is the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

I like Michael Mann movies. I'm trying to think of a Michael Isle of man principal grapheme who wouldn't telephone call this reporter a pussy to his face. I'thou trying to imagine this reporter'south favorite scene from Heat:

Kilmer - "Can we hurry this up? I've got to go shoe shopping for my wife before my Pilates class!"
Kilmer – "Can we bustle this up? I've got to go shoe shopping for my wife earlier my Pilates class!"

DeNiro – "A guy told me one time, Don't let yourself go attached to anything you lot are not willing to walk out on in xxx seconds flat if you feel the heat effectually the corner. Now, if you lot're on me and yous gotta move when I motility, how practise you expect to keep your melon baller?"

Pacino – "Are those Kenneth Coal oxfords, McCauly? Because they expect fabulous!"

  1. The modern human being doesn't get hung up on his phone'due south bombardment percentage. If it needs to run flat, so exist it.

You are out of batteries considering y'all were plugging in your kid'south shit in #6, you inconsistent spaz!

At present kids, listen carefully. If you've got a friggin' clue, you know that a telephone is just another tool, and if you're going to carry the stupid thing effectually, you might as well have it charged, that way if you lot need it to phone call 911 later on yous come across this Pajama Male child get beaten up for insulting Mount Dew drinkers you're ready.

  1. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn't own ane, and he never will.

This is probably the stupidest i in the whole bunch.

You have no utilize for the gun? What well-nigh in #16? Oh, that'south right. Nosotros're dealing with a chickenshit talking out of his ass about a subject area he doesn't even brainstorm to comprehend.

And so, you're going to fight off that intruder with what? Your shoe horn? Clue fourth dimension, fuckwit, the kind of guy (let's call him T-Bone) who invades your business firm in the middle of the night doesn't give a shit virtually melon ballers. Uh oh! T-Os drinks Mountain Dew. Prove HIM THE DOOR. Simply he spent time in prison learning how to fuck people up, and his thought of winning at Modernistic Manhood is being a bullpen rather than a catcher in the prison showers. What are you going to practise to defend your wife and children at present? Talk to him nearly your shared love for Wu-Tang? Bear witness him your Kenneth Cole oxford collection?

No. T-Bone is going to injure you in means yous tin't fifty-fifty imagine, and then you're going to lie on your hardwood floor, bleeding, praying that your wife got to the phone in fourth dimension so that a Real Men with guns might come up and save your pathetic hipster ass.

Boys, the single most important responsibility of a man is to provide for the safety and well-being of his loved ones. Menses. The gun is but the single most effective tool to cease a violent attacker. Real men sympathise that. Which is why I've also taught you, your sisters, and your mom to shoot, and so if I get downward, you lot still have a chance.

This bullshit modern man is a selfish, irresponsible kid, banking on good intentions and wishful thinking to ward off evil. Only real evil simply does not give a shit about your adept intentions.

  1. The modern man cries. He cries often.

I'd cry as well if T-Bone murdered my family because I was a useless sack of crap.

But look… #2 is pretend everything is okay, just #26 is cry like a big babe.

To my sons, I'grand not going to feed you a bunch of nonsense nearly how real men never cry, because I've seen some bad asses cry. But damn it, I try to salve information technology for a good reason, like somebody died, or i of you did something that I'm ridiculously proud of. You're overcome in a specially spiritual or emotional moment, and you tear up? Peachy. I've known men far better than I who practise that.

All that said, if yous cry all the time similar this doofus, then you'll be seen equally a loser, and if you're lucky enough to trick a woman into marrying you, she volition eventually crook on you with the post man, because at least he isn't a wimp.  Women don't desire men who cry freely about wanting to exist the fiddling spoon.

  1. People aren't sure if the modern homo is a skilful dancer or non. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

How much you want to bet his jam is really "It's Raining Men"?

##

If this is mod manhood, then I'thou proud to be an old fashioned human.

UPDATE! Modern Manhood Accomplished! I got a melon baller!   https://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/06/update-mod-manhood-achieved/